Sorry been so lax on blogging

I have to keep it up I know, but I have been very busy with my new baby boy and my websites (working on his college education I keep telling my wife).

To see what I have been working on you can goto my Cool Websites page.

They actually tell my story in their content. I have tried to create sites more surrounding the aspects on my life than anything else. They are easier to update that way - it doesn't seem like work.

I have a Pool Playing Tips website, a Health and Fitness Advice website, and so many more.

Talk to you all soon!

It's All Downhill from Here !

Getting ready to run through the local mall in an attempt to wrap up the Christmas shopping. From this point forward I will be anticipating the end of the holiay season.

Once the excitement of buying your closest loved ones is done I just want to run home and hand them out. As for the others I just dread the look of disappointment in their faces. This doesn't happen everytime, but the anticipation of it possibly happening is enough to make it seem like they do.

The holidays seem to become increasingly busy every year. Doing more online shopping than I ever have I the past has led to some packages arriving just not how they looked online. It is like looking up at the BigMac on the menuboard and then looking down at the one given to you in the paper wrapper

Why is everyone so disappointing?

Time and time again people just don't come through. To make it worse they don't even have the courtesy to tell you when they are falling short.

With email being the number one communication method these days, it provides a comfortable hiding zone. Rather than having to provide a quick and worthy excuse you have all the time you need to setup the double excuse; the first one being you hadn't check your email until now.

And in my field you can altogther run away but blocking that persons email or ignoring them, or even better reading their frustration, laughing until you cry and the off to the trash it goes.

Gotta go for now, I have to check my Inbox again and get pissed no one has responded yet to the jobs they promised me two days ago!

Why should a fish drown?

Well it is shark week, and this is the first time I actually caught some of the programming. I can't decide if I have been more amazed or more disgusted.

The amazing side is all about the sharks and some fo the scientists that really are getting inside of these mystical lions of the sea. The sharkman in his attempts to place sharks in a state of tonic is mindblowing. I watched him take a one ton creature and float along with it as it was being controlled (for lack of better words) by his contact. It is an overdose of sensory to them and they just are, well I can only say it looks like they are having a quiet orgasm.

Anyway, the real urge to post about this was, unfortunately, more because of what disgusted me. It was two things. The first was simply due to the ignorance of people that we tend to hold in high regard.

With all of the occurences over the past hundred years when a scientist says, "it appears that all of these adverse actions may be affecting the overall ecosystem" you kind of have to say back "no shit!" The story was based in Hawaii where there was a task force set up to combat the shark population and try to decide why increased attacks were occuring on Hawaii beaches. When someone was attacked they would gather the boats and hunt down the shark like Jaws with the hope that the shark they killed was the 'bad' shark. As we all know sharks would never hurt a fly, it just isn't in their nature ;)

So, what they came to find out was two things. One, that rarely do they ever get the shark that actually caused the attack. How do they know this? They started inserting tracking devices in sharks. What they were able to find with the data is that in one day the average shark travels about 60 miles and in many cases were hopping from island to island. Second, that by killing many of the larger sharks, the smaller sharks (a different type of shark) were populating ten fold.

See the smaller sharks were now on a free-for-all as the larger sharks fed on the smaller sharks. Well the smaller sharks eat smaller fish. So now all of the smaller fish were being eaten in high numbers. Therefore, the fishermen were unable to catch many fish. So as they started getting poorer and the restaurants started not having fresh fish, people start realizing, "it appears that all of these adverse actions may be affecting the overall ecosystem".

People, don't live in a box. Open up a window every once in awhile and realize that you are part of a bigger picture. I am not talking about glory to god type of big picture, just that there are things that surround you. So just think about the larger space and if you remove one thing, something else will start taking up the room. It is all part of the balance that keep us floating around in this universe.

PART 2: Disgusting thing number 2 I will keep short. If you know anyone that makes a profit by catching sharks and then cutting off all of their fins and yanking out their teeth and then throwing them back in the ocean - PLEASE KILL THEM! So please don't buy the little souvenirs of shark teeth and such; it is just supporting these ruthless morons. Two of the worst two images I have ever seen on television was an elepphant who lay rotting alive in the desert as his tusks were removed and a shark floating to the bottom of the ocean drowning because it had no fins, nor tail, nor teeth.

A fish drowning is like us just running out of air. That would be suitable punishment for these people. Just lock them up and slowly drain the air from the room. I will take the time to make that the third worst site I have seen, but would appreciate once again the balance that keeps us floating around in this universe.

Good day.

Gotta love the tats!

If there is one thing I have a passion for, it is tattoos. Not as an artist, rather purely from a fan of the artform. I have been getting tattoos since I was about 18 and can't get enough. I am not covered by any means, but that isn't to say that I wouldn't be if I could be.

Tattoos are much more of the mainstream world these days, but they haven't alwasy been that is for sure. Even when I got my first about 16 years ago, all of my friends were shocked and didn't really care for it. Years later when some of them came out of the armed forces with some, they had obviously changed their minds. However, even then it was more that they earned the right of passage and I hadn't.

Since then, I have a harder time finding people without a tattoo at the beach now. Older people and younger are getting them left and right. All of this is fine with me of course.

I love the skin as an art medium. It is more that just art that you travel with, but depending on your mood, position or clothing, the art is temporarily changing from moment to moment. What is greater than that?

Beyond the physical, my tattoos are very spiritual in nature (to me that is). It is amazing how something such as this can allow you to relive portions of your life as you look at them. Like any catastrophic event, the pain you experience as you are marked for life just embeds a moment in time. It is very unlikely you forget why you got one and what was going on in your life when you did.

To read more about my story of my tats and how they relate to my personal life, please visit one of my sites, Tattoo Stories. It is one of many sites that I developed but never really put the energy behind popularizing it. But hey, we can start now right? Tell me about your story and I will post it up on the site as was originally intended.

Take care!

Letter to my ex-father-in-law

I just found this today in looking for something else and I just thought it was incredibly enlightening to read this again after I have become remarried. Have you ever had a decision that you feel guilty about regardless of how positively it worked out in the long run. The guilt is only driven by the fact that I am so happy now and am not sure if my ex-wife is or not.

So in creating this personal and "open book" type of blog, I am attaching it. However, I am replacing some of the titles to not offend anyone that it is about.

==

[ex-father-in-law],

As I am sure you are aware, this has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. It has been a time of self-evaluation that has shed some light on my own behaviors, some good, some not so kind. The first two letters I wrote to you (a couple of weeks ago by this time) were never sent. I am feeling incredibly emotional in just the opening of this one.

Your words are kind and I hope you also know that you have been much more of a father-in-law to me as well. In short, I know that I am a “[I took my wife’s last name and this was here]”. This has been where a good majority of the hurt comes in…and where the words just don’t project the true meaning of their intention. I spoke to [ex-wife] about this briefly and attempted to describe it by saying this…I feel so much a part of your family, I feel much of my identity has been developed since I have known all of you. This is where much of the dilemma comes in for me I think. I feel like a part of this family, I look at [ex-wife] as a good friend and her to me and the intimacy (almost feeling forbidden) just isn’t there. And when I say intimacy, I mean the day-to-day, the feeling that when a wife puts a hand on the hand of her husband you feel her energy, her love. [ex-wife] and I have very little physical contact at all, sure the occasional hug and peck, but again no sense of real passion or desire, as you would feel from a friend or close acquaintance, but not a spouse. I know that [ex-wife] would say that too. This has led to a real isolated and ‘separate’ feeling, one that I, unfortunately, am used to and have felt many times.

In not trying to elaborate on any possible shortcomings of my own family, their support structure is a bit ‘different’ we will say…it isn’t of a positive nature…a continual reverse psychology, I guess…negative reinforcement…and much of this may be why I react to the challenges I am presented with. More specifically, when [ex-wife] said some of the things she did, such as “you do not have the ability to take care of yourself” have led me to want to prove her wrong. This is obviously not the best way to handle the situation, but has stemmed much of the reason I feel I need to explore why both [ex-wife] feels the need to demean me and why I feel the need to find out why I do react that way when challenged.

I only asked for space…a day or so alone, [ex-wife] demanded that that mean I leave her for good. Another example of the above, but stirring up an ongoing problem we have had. That problem being a need to go to the extreme over something I felt was just normal…personal space. I am going to stop here on this topic as I don’t want to turn this into a justification, nor a venting session. These problems are between me and [ex-wife].

I have not ruled out the possibility that [ex-wife] and I will reunite, but it does trouble me that these problems have been lurking for so long and it has taken ‘this’ for [ex-wife] to realize that these things have hurt me so much. Sure we have a good time when we are with you and Honey and many times when we are out and about, but when it is just the two of us, no extra stimuli, the uncomfortable part begins.

The biggest part that you may not be able to relate to, is the dominance [ex-wife] has in our relationship. I only try to please her in every way that I can. I try to overcome her behavior issues with constant agreement for whatever she wishes to do. I compromise all of my personal activities in order to not anger her. I fear coming home late or even making wrong turns (in fear that it will make me late) and [ex-wife] will not believe the response as to why and it will cause us to fight. I have to plan in advance each and every outing with a co-worker or friend and get the “well what I am going to do while you are gone?” So in many instances I cancel or prematurely decline as I know it won’t fly with [ex-wife]. I am not talking about a night on the town, rather a change in workout day or a spontaneous after work happy hour. I said I wouldn’t do this, but you can tell I am having a difficult time not mentioning a few minor things.

My family feels a great distance from me and this has been hurting them for some time. Some of this is certainly from my own preferences, but much more has been simply personality conflicts. Conflicts that I was sure could work themselves out, but have not during the seven years [ex-wife] and I have been together. This is the least of my worries right now, but has concerned me in the picture of the future.

I told [ex-wife] that I have no blame for anything that has happened thus far. I realize that both of us have brought things to the table that have made this journey a bit more difficult than it has had to be. When she and I met, we both had a need to feel wanted, to feel a part of something. We created our own sense of what could be and did bring out great things in each other that I am not sure anyone else could have done for us. [ex-wife] gave me confidence to excel and I gave her a more positive outlook on where that could take us. But as I have developed a stronger sense of being, much of this I give credit straight to [ex-wife], I have come to realize much of what I thought I wanted, was what [ex-wife] had wanted and my only goal was to give it her.

[ex-wife] will tell you that when we met and through much of our relationship I would always tell her that I was happy if she was and that my route to happiness was ensuring hers. She would always tell me that that couldn’t be and I needed to create my own self-worth and picture of happiness for just me. Ironically I feel, this path has led me to where I stand now. I confronted [ex-wife] of my unhappiness. I explained why I felt the way that did and what I thought it would take to become happier. She told me to leave.

This hasn’t been the first time I have said I was unhappy, and therefore this hasn’t been the first time she has told me to leave. It is only the first time I said “okay”. I stayed at the apartment the first night after that. She woke me up to make sure I was still leaving. I went downtown to get some work done, let her cool off. She called me each hour to see if I had found a place to live, to make sure I was out, yelled as to why I hadn’t put much effort behind finding a place to move that same day. So this wasn’t like the other times, she wanted me to leave for good.

Of course she has asked that I come back now, but how can I? How can I just go back not knowing when the next time will be that I build the courage to express my feelings, just to be told to leave again. What happens when kids are involved? What will they think of their father as he packs his bags and a week or so later hears their mother saying it is okay to come back…again. I have asked [ex-wife] to get help on her issues in feeling the need to say these things for years now. She hasn’t. She is now of course, but to what extent…just till I come back? These questions trouble me…

I have lived this through my entire childhood and adolescent life. I have seen and felt what this does to someone. I understand firsthand, the troubles that carry into adult life in having to handle this as a child. There is no way I will allow that to exist if I can prevent it. Again, another troubling issue. Right now we don’t have kids. This was all I have ever wanted and the reason I got married. [ex-wife] has filled to air with excuse after excuse as to why this can’t happen. Now she wants these things, after I have all but given up on the possibility if I stay with [ex-wife].

So, as it stands now I have a life changing decision to make. Work on my marriage, work on getting [ex-wife] and I at a point where she and I can communicate more effectively and run the incredible risk if having children that the longevity of our relationship would be secured. I can’t help but look at that hurdle and think the work is too great. If [ex-wife] and I could get to this point only to be at a time past having children of our own. Then relying solely on each other to get us through when it has been so hard to make it even to this point.

Without yours and Honey’s support through the years, [ex-wife] and I very well may not be together now. But relying on others to get it done is not what I am about.

==

Wow...I love my new life..

Take the time to listen...

I think it is well know because we all do it and that is to start to zone out our listening because we have already thought of our retort and are just awaiting the pause to inject it into. We have all done it. Someone is telling you about some good idea they have (of course it is only their opinion that it is a good idea) and along the way they say something, well, a little stupid in your opinion. You immediately think of something you want to say..now some stop here and just blurt it out, but for us civilized people we continue to pretend we are continuing to listen..so now you have to concentrate so hard on remembering what that awesome comment is you have zoned out.

Now, you are simply waiting for them to shut up. All along comparing each snippet of what you are hearing to validate your comment is still worth saying. When you do this your retention slips quite a bit in the ability to actual comprehend within context the conversation.

My only point to this is to remeber this: unless the person has asked an explicit question int he first few sentences, most likely they are not wanting any great advice, but rather for your to simply listen. That listening makes them feel that no matter what that little problem is that things will be okay because they have good friends like you. If a question pops up at the end, you have listened all the way through and can respond appropriately with sound advice. Either way you are covered.

So take the time, understand what serves them better, your funny snippet to something they said 10 minutes ago, or just smiling, and stating, I understand.