Letter to my ex-father-in-law

I just found this today in looking for something else and I just thought it was incredibly enlightening to read this again after I have become remarried. Have you ever had a decision that you feel guilty about regardless of how positively it worked out in the long run. The guilt is only driven by the fact that I am so happy now and am not sure if my ex-wife is or not.

So in creating this personal and "open book" type of blog, I am attaching it. However, I am replacing some of the titles to not offend anyone that it is about.

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[ex-father-in-law],

As I am sure you are aware, this has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. It has been a time of self-evaluation that has shed some light on my own behaviors, some good, some not so kind. The first two letters I wrote to you (a couple of weeks ago by this time) were never sent. I am feeling incredibly emotional in just the opening of this one.

Your words are kind and I hope you also know that you have been much more of a father-in-law to me as well. In short, I know that I am a “[I took my wife’s last name and this was here]”. This has been where a good majority of the hurt comes in…and where the words just don’t project the true meaning of their intention. I spoke to [ex-wife] about this briefly and attempted to describe it by saying this…I feel so much a part of your family, I feel much of my identity has been developed since I have known all of you. This is where much of the dilemma comes in for me I think. I feel like a part of this family, I look at [ex-wife] as a good friend and her to me and the intimacy (almost feeling forbidden) just isn’t there. And when I say intimacy, I mean the day-to-day, the feeling that when a wife puts a hand on the hand of her husband you feel her energy, her love. [ex-wife] and I have very little physical contact at all, sure the occasional hug and peck, but again no sense of real passion or desire, as you would feel from a friend or close acquaintance, but not a spouse. I know that [ex-wife] would say that too. This has led to a real isolated and ‘separate’ feeling, one that I, unfortunately, am used to and have felt many times.

In not trying to elaborate on any possible shortcomings of my own family, their support structure is a bit ‘different’ we will say…it isn’t of a positive nature…a continual reverse psychology, I guess…negative reinforcement…and much of this may be why I react to the challenges I am presented with. More specifically, when [ex-wife] said some of the things she did, such as “you do not have the ability to take care of yourself” have led me to want to prove her wrong. This is obviously not the best way to handle the situation, but has stemmed much of the reason I feel I need to explore why both [ex-wife] feels the need to demean me and why I feel the need to find out why I do react that way when challenged.

I only asked for space…a day or so alone, [ex-wife] demanded that that mean I leave her for good. Another example of the above, but stirring up an ongoing problem we have had. That problem being a need to go to the extreme over something I felt was just normal…personal space. I am going to stop here on this topic as I don’t want to turn this into a justification, nor a venting session. These problems are between me and [ex-wife].

I have not ruled out the possibility that [ex-wife] and I will reunite, but it does trouble me that these problems have been lurking for so long and it has taken ‘this’ for [ex-wife] to realize that these things have hurt me so much. Sure we have a good time when we are with you and Honey and many times when we are out and about, but when it is just the two of us, no extra stimuli, the uncomfortable part begins.

The biggest part that you may not be able to relate to, is the dominance [ex-wife] has in our relationship. I only try to please her in every way that I can. I try to overcome her behavior issues with constant agreement for whatever she wishes to do. I compromise all of my personal activities in order to not anger her. I fear coming home late or even making wrong turns (in fear that it will make me late) and [ex-wife] will not believe the response as to why and it will cause us to fight. I have to plan in advance each and every outing with a co-worker or friend and get the “well what I am going to do while you are gone?” So in many instances I cancel or prematurely decline as I know it won’t fly with [ex-wife]. I am not talking about a night on the town, rather a change in workout day or a spontaneous after work happy hour. I said I wouldn’t do this, but you can tell I am having a difficult time not mentioning a few minor things.

My family feels a great distance from me and this has been hurting them for some time. Some of this is certainly from my own preferences, but much more has been simply personality conflicts. Conflicts that I was sure could work themselves out, but have not during the seven years [ex-wife] and I have been together. This is the least of my worries right now, but has concerned me in the picture of the future.

I told [ex-wife] that I have no blame for anything that has happened thus far. I realize that both of us have brought things to the table that have made this journey a bit more difficult than it has had to be. When she and I met, we both had a need to feel wanted, to feel a part of something. We created our own sense of what could be and did bring out great things in each other that I am not sure anyone else could have done for us. [ex-wife] gave me confidence to excel and I gave her a more positive outlook on where that could take us. But as I have developed a stronger sense of being, much of this I give credit straight to [ex-wife], I have come to realize much of what I thought I wanted, was what [ex-wife] had wanted and my only goal was to give it her.

[ex-wife] will tell you that when we met and through much of our relationship I would always tell her that I was happy if she was and that my route to happiness was ensuring hers. She would always tell me that that couldn’t be and I needed to create my own self-worth and picture of happiness for just me. Ironically I feel, this path has led me to where I stand now. I confronted [ex-wife] of my unhappiness. I explained why I felt the way that did and what I thought it would take to become happier. She told me to leave.

This hasn’t been the first time I have said I was unhappy, and therefore this hasn’t been the first time she has told me to leave. It is only the first time I said “okay”. I stayed at the apartment the first night after that. She woke me up to make sure I was still leaving. I went downtown to get some work done, let her cool off. She called me each hour to see if I had found a place to live, to make sure I was out, yelled as to why I hadn’t put much effort behind finding a place to move that same day. So this wasn’t like the other times, she wanted me to leave for good.

Of course she has asked that I come back now, but how can I? How can I just go back not knowing when the next time will be that I build the courage to express my feelings, just to be told to leave again. What happens when kids are involved? What will they think of their father as he packs his bags and a week or so later hears their mother saying it is okay to come back…again. I have asked [ex-wife] to get help on her issues in feeling the need to say these things for years now. She hasn’t. She is now of course, but to what extent…just till I come back? These questions trouble me…

I have lived this through my entire childhood and adolescent life. I have seen and felt what this does to someone. I understand firsthand, the troubles that carry into adult life in having to handle this as a child. There is no way I will allow that to exist if I can prevent it. Again, another troubling issue. Right now we don’t have kids. This was all I have ever wanted and the reason I got married. [ex-wife] has filled to air with excuse after excuse as to why this can’t happen. Now she wants these things, after I have all but given up on the possibility if I stay with [ex-wife].

So, as it stands now I have a life changing decision to make. Work on my marriage, work on getting [ex-wife] and I at a point where she and I can communicate more effectively and run the incredible risk if having children that the longevity of our relationship would be secured. I can’t help but look at that hurdle and think the work is too great. If [ex-wife] and I could get to this point only to be at a time past having children of our own. Then relying solely on each other to get us through when it has been so hard to make it even to this point.

Without yours and Honey’s support through the years, [ex-wife] and I very well may not be together now. But relying on others to get it done is not what I am about.

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Wow...I love my new life..